It's just after midnight, my greek books are on my lap but I am not focused, I cannot concentrate. For I learned this evening of yet another engagement that has just occurred. This one between 2 classmates at DTS. I am happy for them. One of them started the same time as I did and what a blessing he has obtained.
I suppose you can say it is favor. But I struggle to understand why that favor has by-passed me. I imagine the proposal, like all the proposals I have learned of recently, a guy so enamored with this woman that he vows his love. He desires to just be with her and communicates this with a commitment and the physical demonstration of a diamond ring. He takes her places. He introduces her to his friends. It's a partnership.
I have not known this. I have been married twice but have not really known what it is like for a man to really love me. I have known selfishness, immaturity and unkindness. I often wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me. Perhaps I am not fit or worthy for that kind of love. I don't know. All I know is that I continue to believe God that He has heard my desperate cries to restore the years the locust have eaten, to supply that male head who looks to Christ as his head, to know the kind of love that a man that truly loves a woman will show, to finally have that good partnership.
I am weary and right now my heart is broken in what seems a million pieces. My faith is crushed and I am struggling to remain hopeful that God can bless even me. With a typical resoluteness to not get engulfed in bitterness, despair or spiritual apathy, I keep telling myself to just forge ahead. It's not a new scenario. When I was married I had to do that. Now I'm not and the battle continues. It's late, I'm ranting, struggling, tired and trying to keep hope alive. A miracle would be really great right about now.
Comments (2)
Lisa,
You are not alone. I've experienced a lifetime of disappointments in this area. I have the same kind of thoughts - wondering if I'm a freak or something ?? My advice to you is - stop trying so hard............ keep your focus on what you are doing and the things you love to do - God said to seek him first and he will give you the desires of your heart. It will happen for you but let it go right now. I know it is easier said then done - keep the faith. God Bless.
@A Friend - Thank you for that. I am better these days though admittedly sometimes I wish that He would just remove the desire. Nonetheless, I am reminded of John Piper's famous quote..."God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" that should put Matt 6:33 and Rom 12:1 into action I think.